This match report contains the words, “bastard” and “tits”. These are technical rugby terms but if they offend you, please do not continue to read on…or you’ll be offended.

A typical breezy, sunny early September afternoon welcomed in the new season at Fengate along with an Old Players Lunch, many of whom in general were far more interested in looking at pictures of themselves on the new mural on the back of the stand. Clarky and Knobby (both former props) welcomed the author with bone-crunching hugs and dragged your reluctant scribe to see. ”Look, that’s me!” cried Clarky. “Yes but now you’re a fat old bastard” I responded. No offence intended but he punched me in the face anyway. Props do that when they love you but are too embarrassed to tell you to your face.

Anyway, Olney kicked off into the wind whipping off the fen and there then followed 30 minutes of simply appalling play from both sides. Neither team looked like scoring for the remainder of the game either. A Nil – Nil draw looked very likely indeed. However, the final 10 minutes of the half rewarded P’Boro with 19 points from three tries, although two these were from sloppy handling from Olney well inside their own half.

I think it is worth mentioning at this stage that the reason I am writing this match report is due to no one else having written one. I furiously demanded to know why and was ready to call another Special General Meeting when the Publicity and Sponsorship Officer said, “You do it then!”. I accepted this challenge as late as the following Friday afternoon. The big problem here is that I took no notes during the game and have since forgotten who scored the 19 points.

Olney responded with early in the second half. All I can say is that Olney looked like League winners during this 15 minute spell. I must apologise to the scorers but my flaky memory only recalls great running from Ethan Chambers (and possibly a try?), also superb goal kicking from Charlie Hicks. To be fair to the rest of the team, all 15 players contributed to these 19 points in no small measure, so it would be unfair to name names but Cobie Chapman, Harvey Dench and Leonard ran straight and made the ball available to the close support.

So…19 – 19 and all to play for. Olney on fire and P’Boro very concerned. At this point it all went awry for Olney. Despite the P’Boro 10 getting himself Yellowed for “being stroppy”, Olney were unable to capitalize on them only playing with 14 men (in fact it may’ve even been 13 men for a short while…sorry but at this time I was listening to Knobby telling me about the absence these days of women with big tits ). It sounds incredible but it’s true, during the 10 minute yellow card period there were 3 scrums (2 to P’Boro and 1 to Olney). These all needed re-setting twice and each time the P’Boro 9 took himself off to talk to his 15 for a social chat. I’d be very surprised if their 10 actually served more than a minute of play whilst he was in the bin. With this, the momentum that Olney had created was gone and apart from a great run from Harvey Dench and a missed opportunity to score after the final pass went to ground, Olney played no more meaningful part in the game. In the time that remained, Peterborough scored three more tries to make the final score 41-19.

Ultimately, Peterborough managed the referee better than Olney did and came out on top, even though I’d say man-for-man Olney were the better team. We will certainly have the same referee officiate us again through the rest of the season, so Olney must learn how to get the best out of him. A shame we did not get to see the great running lines of Rafe Wilmer in what would have been his 1st team debut. Hopefully we will see his skills employed tomorrow against Kettering.

Editor: In honour of the many reporters who have come before...Thank you!

Tries: Rob Morgan, Harvey Dench, Henry Warren
Cone. Charlie Hicks (2)