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TODAYS NEWS

STRANDED TOURISTS TO BE FIRED FROM A CANNON

THOUSANDS of British tourists stranded in Calais will begin their journey home today by climbing into the end of a giant cannon pointed roughly at Kent. 

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Ministers insist that some people won't die
As the Icelandic volcano attack entered its fifth day, the government said long-range artillery was now the best option for getting people back to yje UK.
This morning British embassy staff are setting up a deli counter ticket dispenser at Cap Gris Nez near the French port and asking tourists to form an orderly queue.
When their number is called, each 'passenger' will be given a bicycle helmet, a banana and magazine to read during their flight before being fired from the cannon at just under 78mph. 
They will then soar across the English channel, at least 20ft below the deadly ash cloud, before hopefully landing in a large inflatable mattress that has been set up in the car park of the Folkestone branch of Sainsbury's in Bouverie Road West.
Paddy Leah, his wife Emma and two of their three children will be fired as a group at 10.30am.
He said: "Apparently the cannon can only take four at a time, so we've had to leave one behind."
 
 
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Chris Small crocodile
 
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Superdog  Superdog 1
 

TEBS SELF IMPLODES  ! 
 
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Evil Dwarf Tosser Unmasked ! 
 
Philppinnes Dwarf Tosser
 
 
 
Free Parkin Free Parking 
 
 
 CAPTION COMPETITION -  Please view the photograph below and send me your suggested caption, the best captions will be published on this page, and the overall winner will receive two and a half pints of your choice from me.
Send your suggestions to - keithplummer@aol.com
 
Caption competition No.2 - Kelsall gets stuck in
 
AND THE WINNER IS ...........BOB TAYLOR !
- Two and a half pints on their way to you Bob -
 
" NO KELSALL I'LL BE BUGGERED IF I'LL JOIN OLNEY"
 
Kelso
 
 
TRIGGER HITS NEW LOW AT THE BULL BEER FESTIVAL !
 
  Trigger hits new low
 
 
 
  Rhys with a spoon    Resse Witherspoon
                 Rhys With a spoon                              Reese Witherspoon
 
 
BOKS DENY NEW EYE GOUGING ACCUSATION !
 
Gouging
 
BOB TAYLOR SNEAKS DOG INTO CLUBHOUSE !
 
Bobs Dog
 
BUSTER DENIES AUSSIE SUN HAS CAUSED AGEING
 
Buster Old
 
 
PETE SWEET SKIPS BAR DUTY FOR HOG ROAST EVENING !
 
Pete Sweet Hog
 
BOB TAYLOR FINED FOR THROWING LITTER FROM CAR !
 
bEER bOTTLES
 
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DAVE ADAMS IN LADY GODIVA STUNT !
 
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CHRIS DAY REGRETS PANTO DATE !
 
SQUASHED
 
 
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. 
So I pushed her over. 
  
                    
RHYS BRINGS HOME THE BACON !
Rhys shopping
LOCAL TEACHER APPROACHES GAY COWBOY !
Fletch and wints
 
 
 
FIRST TEAM SECOND ROW OUT WITH BAD BACK !
 
mark lay wedding 2
 
LOCAL ROOFER IN DATE RAPE SHOCK PROBE !
 
Dean asleep
 
Dean is a good man, Hitler was a bad man, but if you were all in an air balloon losing altitude................
 
 
 
   The May Ball       South Africa 2007            Africa Survival Guide          A Welsh Hooker         
 
 
      
     Raana tries a pickled egg
 
  kiwi         Confucius 1
 
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I
pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
 
 
Quotes of the week -   
 
Joe Dorrill - " Shut that door !  You'll let all the air out ! " 
Johnny Carr on fundraising - " I will help on New Years eve, just let me know when it is
John Swallow on ouzo " Beacuse it's Greek, they drink it in Belguim"
Macca - " It's too early in the night to be drinking Hamlets"
Charlie Tompkins - " We could have pancakes one night for breakfast "
Joe Dorrell - " The alarm's not working, it went off this morning"
Joe Dorrell - "The seconds won by a point, 19 to something" 
Ed asks Parky " Did they take you to that village that isn't there anymore ? "
Ian Bennet on plane to South Africa - " We are all in the same boat guys"
Johnsie - " How far away are we from here ? "  
 
Mark Lay has secured the services of Japanese hooker  -  Idge E Fan yee for next season. 
    
New Hooker                                                                
 
Trigger (Matt Boddy) Quotes
 
" I was born in Northampton, at a very early age "
" I don't think I'm the most scared flier on this tour, Luke Day is a close second" 
" What number is Channel 5 on ?"
 
Trigger - " I've got to go to bed" 
Plum     - " Why ? "
Trigger  - " I've got to get up"
 
" Don't let the monkey see the rabbits "
" We were unbeatable, we lost the first two games." 
" I never apologise, I'm sorry, but that's the way I am "
"The prices have fallen through the roof "
"The Kiwis have beaten New Zealand "    
" I spent £700 on spending money"
"You cant beat real potatoes"
 Whilst watching Spain v Germany " It's all Italy at the moment" 
 Driving the mini bus - " I'll reverse it in backwards"                                  
 On his holiday -  " Yeah it's been great weather, a whole week of unbroken cloud"
"  Look ! Someones shouting ! "
" Who's inlaws are you meeting , yours ? or your wives ?"
" The One Stop was shut due to the shortness of staff"
" He lives just up the road, he lives in Australia now"
" Plum can't have a bath with a carstor plast on "
" Leave the water running, or it will get sterile "
" Theres been an earthcake in Gwent "
" How much is a fiver worth in Scotland ?
" Its the best thing since sliced butter"
" Its the same price, but a little bit more expensive" 
" I couldn't fight my way out of a wet steel bag "  
" The traffic is really bad, if you are coming now, I would leave a bit earlier "                    
                                              
 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
 Updated !  Guess The Baby!    MORE BABY PHOTOS PLEASE ! Send to keithplummer@aol.com
 

 

 The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades 
 
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
 

 GUESS WHO'S EAR ?
               eart     
                             MARCH UPDATES !
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             Click here for more ears to chew on!!!  
 
 
 
                                                                                                   
 
 
 
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...  
beerholder 2
 
beer lady
 I am in shape. Round is a shape.        
                                                   
 
 
 
 

 
 
Find out what was really happening last week at the club! (Not for the prudish!) 
 
 
 
 
 
Updated !
September
 
 
 
 
Well, well!  Guess what  our boys have been up to? For all those too posh to buy the News of the World, this is what you missed.  Hey, Brendan, okay mate, hope you see this!!
Oh dear, the kids did it again at the Church fete.  Is that Tom on the floor.....
 
 
 
Any personal problems just drop Stanners a line and he'll try to answer them with his expert wisdom, experience & knowledge.  
 
The highlight of the week, who says it's a fiddle? Next week's meat raffle winners are...
 We couldn't forget the panto,
oh yes we could, oh no we couldn't,
oh yes we could! 
 
 

 

Check out pictures from previous Club dinners, remember Will Greenwood, Gareth Chilcott, Willie John McBride, David Duckham,  who forgets Jason Leonard, and of course Plod & Spider asleep!
 
 
 
 
Check out some vintage photos.  Guess who!
 
 
 
NEW YEARS EVE 2006 !
                                      
I dont think I should be a member of a club that accepts people like me as a member 
 
 
 
If anybody has any amusing or embarassing stories or pictures please drop Plum a line Keithplummer@aol.com and providing it's legal we will do our best to publish it for everyone to enjoy!!

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