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TODAYS NEWS
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STRANDED TOURISTS TO BE FIRED FROM A CANNON
THOUSANDS of British tourists stranded in Calais will begin their journey home today by climbing into the end of a giant cannon pointed roughly at Kent.
Ministers insist that some people won't die As the Icelandic volcano attack entered its fifth day, the government said long-range artillery was now the best option for getting people back to yje UK.
This morning British embassy staff are setting up a deli counter ticket dispenser at Cap Gris Nez near the French port and asking tourists to form an orderly queue.
When their number is called, each 'passenger' will be given a bicycle helmet, a banana and magazine to read during their flight before being fired from the cannon at just under 78mph.
They will then soar across the English channel, at least 20ft below the deadly ash cloud, before hopefully landing in a large inflatable mattress that has been set up in the car park of the Folkestone branch of Sainsbury's in Bouverie Road West.
Paddy Leah, his wife Emma and two of their three children will be fired as a group at 10.30am.
He said: "Apparently the cannon can only take four at a time, so we've had to leave one behind." |
CHRIS SMALL IN SHOCK ATTACK AT EMBERTON LAKE
Rugby Club employ dog wardens to patrol new pitches !
TEBS SELF IMPLODES !
SQUIRREL DROPS NUT !
Evil Dwarf Tosser Unmasked !
CAPTION COMPETITION - Please view the photograph below and send me your suggested caption, the best captions will be published on this page, and the overall winner will receive two and a half pints of your choice from me.
Caption competition No.2 - Kelsall gets stuck in
AND THE WINNER IS ...........BOB TAYLOR !
- Two and a half pints on their way to you Bob -
" NO KELSALL I'LL BE BUGGERED IF I'LL JOIN OLNEY"
TRIGGER HITS NEW LOW AT THE BULL BEER FESTIVAL !
Rhys With a spoon Reese Witherspoon
BOKS DENY NEW EYE GOUGING ACCUSATION !
BOB TAYLOR SNEAKS DOG INTO CLUBHOUSE !
BUSTER DENIES AUSSIE SUN HAS CAUSED AGEING
PETE SWEET SKIPS BAR DUTY FOR HOG ROAST EVENING !
BOB TAYLOR FINED FOR THROWING LITTER FROM CAR !
ENGLAND FLY HALF CRISIS SOLVED !
DAVE ADAMS IN LADY GODIVA STUNT !
CHRIS DAY REGRETS PANTO DATE !
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
RHYS BRINGS HOME THE BACON !
LOCAL TEACHER APPROACHES GAY COWBOY !
FIRST TEAM SECOND ROW OUT WITH BAD BACK !
LOCAL ROOFER IN DATE RAPE SHOCK PROBE !
Dean is a good man, Hitler was a bad man, but if you were all in an air balloon losing altitude................
Raana tries a pickled egg
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I
pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
Quotes of the week -
Joe Dorrill - " Shut that door ! You'll let all the air out ! "
Johnny Carr on fundraising - " I will help on New Years eve, just let me know when it is
John Swallow on ouzo " Beacuse it's Greek, they drink it in Belguim"
Macca - " It's too early in the night to be drinking Hamlets"
Charlie Tompkins - " We could have pancakes one night for breakfast "
Joe Dorrell - " The alarm's not working, it went off this morning"
Joe Dorrell - "The seconds won by a point, 19 to something"
Ed asks Parky " Did they take you to that village that isn't there anymore ? "
Ian Bennet on plane to South Africa - " We are all in the same boat guys"
Johnsie - " How far away are we from here ? "
Mark Lay has secured the services of Japanese hooker - Idge E Fan yee for next season.
Trigger (Matt Boddy) Quotes -
" I was born in Northampton, at a very early age "
" I don't think I'm the most scared flier on this tour, Luke Day is a close second"
" What number is Channel 5 on ?"
Trigger - " I've got to go to bed"
Plum - " Why ? "
Trigger - " I've got to get up"
" Don't let the monkey see the rabbits "
" We were unbeatable, we lost the first two games."
" I never apologise, I'm sorry, but that's the way I am "
"The prices have fallen through the roof "
"The Kiwis have beaten New Zealand "
" I spent £700 on spending money"
"You cant beat real potatoes"
Whilst watching Spain v Germany " It's all Italy at the moment"
Driving the mini bus - " I'll reverse it in backwards"
On his holiday - " Yeah it's been great weather, a whole week of unbroken cloud"
" Look ! Someones shouting ! "
" Who's inlaws are you meeting , yours ? or your wives ?"
" The One Stop was shut due to the shortness of staff"
" He lives just up the road, he lives in Australia now"
" Plum can't have a bath with a carstor plast on "
" Leave the water running, or it will get sterile "
" Theres been an earthcake in Gwent "
" How much is a fiver worth in Scotland ?
" Its the best thing since sliced butter"
" Its the same price, but a little bit more expensive"
" I couldn't fight my way out of a wet steel bag "
" The traffic is really bad, if you are coming now, I would leave a bit earlier "
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