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As the Chisora/Haye brawl rumbles on, with the two fighters currently swinging furniture on the German/Czech border, boxing uber-spiv Warren has declared that all future interviews with confused-sounding hulks will be held in auditoriums full of drunk gangsters.

Warren said: “People got to see more decent punches  thrown last night than in the last ten British boxers' fights combined, without me making any money out of it. That's going to change.

“If the future of British boxing doesn’t include anybody that can stay upright in a ring for longer than three minutes, then at least we can train some really world-class chair-throwers.”

A specially-built 'combat press centre' is being constructed in Warren’s Basildon-based boxing factory to ensure that every slight against an opponent’s parentage and every clumsy scuffle can be fully appreciated by a paying crowd.

The centre will accommodate two full entourages for boxers, as well as up to eighty press photographers to take photos of the ensuing melee so people with no interest in boxing can have an opinion on whether they should be allowed to call each other pussies while in a mutual headlock.

ESPN and Sky have declined the broadcast rights for future events but the BBC is dropping its lacrosse coverage to pay for the next twelve months' worth of bulky men in suits flailing at each other.

Warren said: “All we need is a new term for this part of the sport. We can hardly call it the ‘sweet science’ or ‘the noble art’ but I think ‘glorious gobshitery’ might fit the bill.”

 

The row was reignited on Saturday when the Liverpool player refused to shake Evra's hand confirming recent speculation that he does not think the Frenchman is a very nice person.

An FA spokesman said: "The combination of Valentine's Day and the Whitney Houston tragedy should remind us all that Patrice Evra is probably telling the truth.

"We have ordered Luis Suarez to learn his lines and then sing the song really, really well. It would be particularly nice if they could have dinner in the centre circle at Old Trafford and then a string quartet would appear out of the darkness and Luis could get up and sing while holding Patrice's hand.

"Don't tell Patrice about the song though. We want it to be a lovely Valentine's Day surprise."

Kenny Dalglish has backed both the dinner and the song and pledged to once again behave in a manner befitting a Liverpool manager by not winning the league.

Meanwhile, the FA is among dozens of organisations planning a Whitney Houston tribute including Network Rail, Little Chef and the Association of British Insurers. 

Labour MP Tom Watson will organise his party's official tribute and has also called for the Queen's 60th Jubilee celebrations to be renamed in honour of the tragic singer.

Prime minister David Cameron added: "I will never forget the night I became the MP for Witney, which I now realise sounds the same as Whitney.

"It's so very sad"