Dear Mr Stanners
I’ve recently come back from touring Cape Town and can not get rid of the smell of cheese from my nose. I keep getting flashbacks where all I can smell is cider, cigars and burning hair
Do you have any homeopathic remedies to end these nightmares?
From
An Irish backpacker
" Dear Irish Backpacker "
I'm sorry to hear your predicament but it's your own fault. If you do insist on getting pissed with a colloquial British police officer and some West country mute, then you have only yourself to blame. Fortunately, as long as the burning hair came from the plod's head and the you didn't go anywhere near the Wurzel's knob, you should be OK.
As far as homeopathic remedies are concerned, my practice only uses proven modalities based on a sound scientific grounding. If you simply want to be strapped to an enormous vibrating sex aid for 10 minutes at a time, feel free. However, it'll probably cure those headaches you get at bedtime!
Kind regards,
Stanners
P.S. Attached is my telephone number and address. Please come round anytime
whilst the wife's at aerobics!
I’ve been told that you are from the medical establishment
Do you have any cures for headaches?
I’ve got rid of the wife but I keep getting headaches on Sunday Mornings.
Can Viagra help my head?
Someone called Edward suggested it was due to the fact that Joe’s pipes are dirty. How should his pipes be cleaned and I could suggest this to him ?
From
A poorly person"
Dear Poorly person,
1. Do not take any notice of anyone called Edward, for a start! All the more so if his name is shortened to Ed or uses a pseudonym like HiHo, Silver Fox, Dockit, Forest of Dean, Ravanelli or Twig....or if he drives a brand new CO2 smoking, fuel guzzling 4x4, lives on a housing estate and drives 400 yards to work in a garage.
2. Stop drinking that bloody chemical girly lager....and No, Kroneburp is still just as shite!
3. Viagra will only make your cock explode and your head hurt even more..or so I'm told....ahem!
4. By all means ask Joe how his pipes are cleaned and who cleans them (Ho Ho!) but I happen to know he doesn't bother with the Guiness because it already tastes like piss, anyway.
5. And finally, to cure your headache ask Colin Sudds how to dislocate your own kneecap....your headache will then miraculously disappear!
Best regs,
Stanners
"Dear Stanners,
My wife recently broke her leg in a fall,over the next few days of nursing her i've noticed a couple of strange changes in her. firstly the abrupt manner in which she issues her orders to or rather at me. secondly the way in which her eyes get bigger when barking said orders at the same time as puffing her chest upward and outward (which is no mean feat). lastly the tourette like way in which she keeps calling me a prat when I dont carry out instructions to the letter. Are these all symptoms of bad legs and is it hereditary ?
Yours Anon."
Dear Anon (although I happen to know you are a 3rd team winger),
Don't stand for this, man! Show her who's boss.....break the other leg and tell her to fetch and carry herself. Pretty soon she'll learn to ask nicely.
I'm sorry I have no other alternative suggestion but it worked for me and it learned her, although my wife does have nicer breasts than yours does.
Very best regards, etc, etc....
Stanners
"Dear Stanners,
I was the 1st team physio at a local club for nearly 10 years but I was so fed up with them losing every week, I buggered off to a neighbouring club who were doing a lot better. The problem is that since I left, the old club have started to do a lot better and my new club have started losing every week. How do I reclaim my self respect from both my family, my friends and my old club? The only good points about new club is that they share their women around a lot more and they have a weekly evening curfew that prevents me having to drink (which makes me quite sick). Also, they do not take the p**s out of me as much....And I get more free stash.....In fact, sod it.....It's quite nice here, actually!
Yours,
Worried medic from deepest rural Bedfordshire."
Dear Worried,
You are a complete t**t! Because only a complete t**t would leave a club with....
....baths and showers
....Joe Dorrill
....2 fireplaces (with real fires)
....regular faggot races
....an occasional naked human skittle competition
....a gay committee
....a 1st team pitch you have to walk half a mile to
....and Jo Rathbone (phwoaarr!)
Your sincerely, as usual with the greatest respect, etc, etc,
Stanners
"Dear Stanners
I was thinking about taking up ladies rugby but my friends have told me it will turn me into a hairy lesbian and no man will ever look at me again. Is this true ? Are all players rough and do men not fancy them anymore ?
Yours
J.McElroy."
Dear J McElroy,
What an extraordinary question.....'coming from the former captain of the Mens senior 1st team. In all the years I played with you (0.4 years actually), I never knew you were a women. Maybe that's why you let me.....My God! What am I saying????!!!! Beware ladies. Any of you reading this, let me tell you now that J McElroy is actually a man, so ignore him.
However, if I may so bold as to add a personal comment, may I say that all the ladies that play for Olney are oustandingly attractive and never a day goes by without me remembering my shared bath with them after refereeing a game, once. Being compared in the same light as Icky Mynard and Trigger never did any man any harm!
Best regards,
Stanners
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"Dear Stanners
I do all the jobs at a rugby club. I have tried to tell people how to do all these tasks (line marking, changing beer kegs, running baths, cleaning, changing channels on the television, putting ice on the bar etc, etc.), and despite swearing at them as much as I can, no-one can do things properly.
Do you have any suggestions?
Yours
Frustrated ex-marine."
Dear "Frustrated",
The problem is you're not shouting or swearing at them loudly enough and what's more, you're not using any physical violence to reinforce your requests. Well that's one suggestion anyway. You could also consider going the other way completely and delegating some of your tasks out to other people by asking them nicely (!)
Try also expanding your choice of food intake to include more dishes from the Far East....."Man cannot live on Brawn alone" as my old uncle once told me.
However, your killer move is this.......
Simply go away for the weekend without telling anybody.......
a) that you are actually going away
b) how to run the baths (hide the plug)
c) how to lay up the fire (don't order any wood)
d) how to pump up the balls (hide the pump)
e) how to change channels on Sky+ (hide the remote)
When you return on the following Tuesday night, the place will be in so much chaos, honoury life membership can only be an AGM away.
Either that or everyone will be very cross!
Hang on a minute, you've tried that 11 times already......'Can't help, sorry!
Yours sincerely, with the greatest respect,
Stanners
"Dear Stanners,
Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons ?
Yours
Confused, Bozeat."
Dear Confused of Bozeat,
What an extraordinary question. My initial answer would be that I have no idea, however I suspect this to be a trick question.....nope, it's definitely genuine - I know a lot of stupid people but none as stupid as you appear to be.
If the answer's not in the Bible then you're stuffed 'cos I certainly wasn't there.
Next....!
Oh, good luck, have a nice life, etc, etc....
NEXT...!
[Dear Bash, Is there any way you can screen some of these out before I have to look at 'em? We've had some right muppets in this week.]
"Dear Stanners
Well I never, how rude
Confused, Bozeat "
"Dear Stanners,
I’ve decided to collect rugby memorabilia. I’ve been told you are a keen collector of sporting commemorative spoons. What do you suggest I start collecting?
Yours truly,
Cupid Stunt"
Dear Cupid,
Whoever told you that was incorrect. The only spoons I own are used for eating my food. I do in fact I have two canteens - an everday one and a posh one for when I have guests round for dinner. However if spoons are your thing, I may be able to help - there is a former antique dealer in the town who has a vast house, stashed with spoons. I don't know whether they are commemorative or rugby related but rest assured this twat will sure be able to bore you senseless with racist jokes, his favourite TV comedy show "Catchphrase" and possibly spoons. I suspect he doth protest too much.....
The very best regards,
Stanners
"Dear Stanners,
I've recently taken to watching matches on the East side of a rugby pitch in a small market town and have been the subject of abuse from locals on several occasions. How can I combat this abuse and reply with some quick wit and repartee?
Yours
Downhearted of Kingston, Surrey."
Dear Sir,
Don't come all West-London-Home-Counties posh with me - Kingston is as near to The Isle of Dogs as damn it. You're a Cockney and you know it.
The initial and obvious answer is to switch over and watch from the West side of the pitch but apart from Old Bav and Flip's and Basher's mums moaning on about selection, entertainment will be pretty thin on the ground.
No, if you are determined to stand your ground and view the game from the East side, there is only one thing you can do - diguise yourself. You must immediately speed down to either Help the Aged or Willen charity shops and set about to cunningly disguise yourself as a local. Everyone knows that Olney men are short and their women are tall so you must purloin some baggy trousers and an ill-fitting black jacket or coat, preferably of the "Donkey" variety once worn by pickets and layabouts - you should know you're one of them!
Next, shave off all of your hair or cut it pretty short and dye it black. A false moustache and possibly some false spectacles will complete the illusion!
You are now ready to spectate from "The East Stand"! Simply wander (late) to the game and integrate yourslelf with the local spectators. Occasionally shouting "Dowsett, you tosser!" will help enormously, however shouting "Ref, you're a cheating ****" will only get you sent from the field of play to concentrate on the Man-of-the-match award.
You'll know if you have succeeded when someone inevitably shouts at you, "Edgar, **** off you *****!"
If you've done it all wrong you may still get away with it but all they will have done is confuse you with Jay One and will refuse to buy you a drink all night.
The very best of luck.
Yours sincerely with the greatest respect,
Stanners
"Dear Stanners,
My doctor has told me that I must limit my drinking to 20 pints of cider a week, but that only takes me to a Thursday night and leaves me nothing for the weekend, what do you suggest?
Anon"
Ah, this is a subject on which I am an expert. Those who know me will be acquainted with my legendary drinking prowess. Who can forget the night when I drank Kemble and Boulton under the table and went onto one of Glyn's parties afterwards? The answer to your problem is simple - drink lager up 'til Thursday night (remember it's only a drink for girls and softies and not really considered a drink* in my house). Then, on Thursday night, you can go for your so-called workout with Spider for the regulation 40 minutes and explode onto the scene stacking up 10 pints of cider (*a proper drink). This way you can accomplish three things.....
1. You can get wrecked
2. You can really piss off the bar staff who'll have to hang around until midnight before you go home
3. The arduous journey back up West Side Rise will be forgotten amongst a haze of crazy flashbacks to a time before Hollow Wood, Lily Hill and other vulgar estate developments.
This leaves another 10 pints in the kitty for a period of choice - my advice would be Friday night....Mark Lay wouldn't possibly expect to have to lock up at midnight two nights running! That'll learn 'im!
Yours sincerely with the greatest respect,
Stanners
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