View from the East Stand
THE EAST STAND RIDES AGAIN,ONE MORE TIME
5th October 2009
Friday 11th September was a tragic,
heart wrenching yet memorable day. It was good to meet up with a lot of old
faces and it was rounded off with a good old fashioned Brewers sing song.
Baz loved his tours and his face sums it up
on the tour photo, next to the fire place in the club. He had a similar effect
on peoples hangovers as GRADY did on tour. You would look at GRADY in the morning
and because he always looked so rough it made your own hangover feel better. With
Baz he was always on a peak and so this helped many tourists pull themselves
out of their own deep troughs.
He was a great roomie and always very
obliging and one story does spring to mind from one tour. On a Sunday morning
he arrived in my room with the honourable Judge Kemble and offered me a cup of tea
and a custard cream which I duly accepted. The pair of them were very helpful and
attentive and kept passing me my tea when I kept putting it down. During breakfast
they sat opposite me and both had mischievous grins on their faces. They
appeared to be studying me and waiting for something to happen. I felt
something was a foot and all the way back to Olney I got the feeling that I was
being watched. When asked if I was feeling ok I did have to admit that my knees
had been very tingly since breakfast. This sensation lasted for about two days
after tour and rumour has it that their little prank didn’t quite have the
effect that they desired.
I also remember a tour game when he made me
do the scissor movement during a passage of play. It surprisingly came off
perfectly but unfortunately I stumbled and fell towards the opposition’s star
player, head butted his knee, and down he went clutching his knee. This
unfortunate injury caused him to limp off the pitch and I can still hear Baz’s
laughter ringing in my ears.
He was also instrumental in assisting to
remove Dancing Shoes George Graham from the dance floor during that legendary tour
incident. Baz also found it incredibly funny, as we all did, when Bowden got
replaced by the drunken pig man during a game and Ed uttered those legendary
words “THAT’S THE PROBLEM WITH THIS CLUB NO ONE KNOWS F**K ALL ABOUT RUGBY”.
On one tour it did get a bit confusing as we
had two Baz’s on tour, they were duly re named “Rugby Baz Farmer” and “Football
Baz W***er”. Now this was Football Baz W***er 1st ever tour and he didn’t really have the best
of tours as MULLER broke his leg during the game and he then had the
unfortunate mishap of ending up with a turd on his head.
This leads onto dog shit which seems to be
the main topic of conversation down at the club. I hear that the old Dog Shit
Committee maybe coming back out of retirement headed by Chairman Tim The Meat
Janner HACKER. Now rumour has it that Trout has been seen on the new pitches a
lot during a full moon. I guess what goes on tour stays on tour but he is a
good Chum and this might explain the Dog shit epidemic.
Whilst on the subject of tour, the club has
just come back from an ambitious tour to the
Philippines. Nick The Bulbous
Deighton fulfilled a life time’s ambition (alongside others I’m sure) by giving
a real life dwarf a fine good tossing.
Argentina here we come!
Talking about dwarfs leads me onto the
Olney Panto. The wheels are slowly grinding away and rumour has it that this
year that there may be an Arabian theme. Maybe we could have “Ali Baba and the
Forty Dwarfs” or “Aladdin and the Dwarf Tosser”. During the Auction Of Promises,
Pete very generously bought his Uncle Wilbur a leading part in this year’s panto.
I wonder what part he may play. On the subject of thespians, LOL has promised
never to be grumpy again, after being voted the grumpiest tourist in the
history of Olney Rugby Club. Maybe we could give him another part in this year’s
panto instead of the GRUMPY dwarf, but he does play the part so well.
CHERRY was banned from The Panto for life
after his dreadful performance of Cinderella. Now Cherry as we all know is a
bit careful with his pennies and so I found it particular amusing when he paid
too much money for his subs this year. Hopefully the skipper will put the excess
money towards a few beers, on Cherry, for the team.
On the subject of money DR SHIT has come to
my attention yet again. Now the dozy Dr or more commonly know as Trog or Double
Double, thought he was well into the money this week when a large cheque
arrived addressed to himself. His happiness was soon short lived when he realised
it was his own cheque he had written out to pay somebody but had accidentally
addressed it to himself. Definitely sounds like a bit of Triggerism has caught
on. Just for the people that don’t know how he came by his nick names I will
explain. “DR SHIT” came about after he had to be escorted out from a rugby game
that he was refereeing in
Portugal.
He had been a bit bias in favour of the touring
Cambridge scrum. Well, after the final
whistle and the Portuguese crowds were busy rioting, a burly Portuguese prop
came up to him and called him Dr Shit. Double Double came about after a game
when he asked Pete Kemble to put some water in his single malt as it was too
strong .Pete duly obliged and added another single whisky. Trog thanked him as
it now tasted much better and that set the tone for the evening. Trog was later
found abandoned outside his old home address.
Talking about double doubles the ladies
dinner went off well with a great game of doubles during a classic game of
spoof. Cherry was whinging but the rest of the group thoroughly enjoyed the
concoctions, however there was no crème de monfe. Quite an eventful night with
WOODS bar diving, (bar I said!!!), lots of spanking, some foot stamping
finished off by lineout and scrums on the dance floor. Many injuries were sustained
that night which leads me onto CHINKS injuries.
Oh yes he just couldn’t keep out of this
East Stands edition. Now a few supporters may have noticed that our tattooed
friend has been missing from a few games. He said it was down to an injury
which was accepted but then Gollum went onto elaborate about his injury. This
was no normal injury but in fact “PILES”. He claims he got it from weight training
but expert hammer Kenny assures me it can only be got through vegetables insertions
or straining on the bog for prolonged periods. Many kind offers were made to Chink
by club members to try and help cure his problem and get him fit for Bletchley.
These offers included the red not poker cure, faggot racing with petrol and the
scissor snip cure. He is however sticking with a more modern treatment by using
an 18th century badger fat cream. Hopefully he will be fit and well
soon but if not he may well bring his piles down to the club for a pint. To
cheer himself up CHINK has added another tattoo to his collection. Surprisingly
it is quite tasteful in the shape and design of the Olney badge. Unfortunately
the 1877 spelling looks more like 1977. Never mind it can match his Ngland
badge.
An East Stand Tribute to “Super Baz The Farmer”
18/1/71 - 27/8/09
WEDNESDAY 10TH JANUARY 2007
A VIEW FROM THE EAST STAND (Locals only and no West Standers please)
Good tidings to all you readers and I hope you had a happy new year and laid off the booze. One man that certainly didn’t lay off the booze in the build up to Christmas was our infamous Pig Man “Basher”. Having been invited to a family meal he once again overdid it down the club with the Plum Fairy on pig juice. Needless to say he turned up at the family do in a bit of a state. Well, soon after arriving at the family do, he decided that he would christen the newly decorated bogs with a number 2. He then made the fatal error of forgetting to tuck his curly wurly in whilst he was seated and proceeded to spray the bathroom and his beige trousers with 2nd hand pig juice. Needles to say the cries of “DIANE HELP ME “ brought the trusted wife running upstairs to yet again get the Pig man out of a pickle. I guess it could have been worse he might of done the Triple Crown like the pregnant pussy. A tip from the East stand is that if you intending to drink a lot DON’T WEAR LIGHT COLOURED TROUSERS.
The Panto was a great success and the cast excelled themselves by getting drunker than ever in the build up to the show. The Camp Tin man was in one hell of a state on stage and barely got through it. The Scarecrow seemed a bit lost for words as well. The carpet muncher was found passed out in the changing rooms but whether this was due to alcohol or not is another story.
During the show a most heinous act was committed. Somebody was sick in the cauldron all over the pig, which incidentally Basher had lent on the understanding that it would be retuned in good condition. Nobody has owned up but several culprits have been accused (a bit like Joe's chicken).
The two kiwi boys came down to experience the Olney Panto and were lost for words with the performance. The club can’t be a great place to be sober but they coped remarkably well.
Rocket man has come out with some great quotes over Christmas one was “BEST THING SINCE SLICED BUTTER” and the other one was “HOW MUCH IS A FIVER WORTH IN SCOTLAND”.
The New Years Eve bash went well with over 100 people drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Some great costumes were on show and some awesome dancing on display. It finally finished at 0530am with Si Bon Bon ferrying all the drunks home. A quote from one of the organisers on the night was “NO WE DON’T HAVE F*****G GIN”
Some great nights coming up as well ;
Bavarian Night, Auction of Promises, Swing Night (That sounds interesting - Editor)
All the best readers keep the stories coming in
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mary Hinge
MONDAY 27TH NOVEMBER 2006
After the last East stand, Rocket man makes yet another appearance in the East Stand. Elton appears to be getting more coverage at the moment than Chink in his heyday. This time The Rocket Man was invited out to a salubrious dinner party. He managed to have one ale too many at the club and upon arrival he appeared in a semi comatose state.He got his jacket zip caught in his shirt on the way and had to strip to initially sort it out. He then hit his host with a stream of projectile vomit which hit the host’s new shirt and brand new beige carpet. He managed to crawl outside and carried on shouting to huey all over the newly reseeded lawn, which incidentally had been killed by Carol Mynard during her epic chunder.
The northern monkey friends of Kempo came down the other weekend and challenged the aged Silver Fox to a naked strut. The peeed up Forest of Dean provided the entertainment by strutting his stuff alongside a naked Nelly Kim. A scuffle followed with Harry in the thick of it.
A most heinous crime took place recently after the meat raffle. Having won the chicken, the salty seadog Wendell Sailor Dorrill left his chicken in the fridge. The next day it had gone! Several suspects have been viciously accused by an enraged AC but I hear from a good source that chicken makes excellent Biltong. Theres a clue in that Joe!!!!!!!!!!
Well played to the FTG’s against Beaconsfield. But I think that the East Stand have to take some of the credit for completely destroying the opposition winger's confidence. The silly posh lad answered back to the East Stand posse and that was it .He got heckled and from there on dropped everything that came near him. Bob the Chuff Taylor appeared to be in a bit of a mess before, during and after the game. It may be that he was on the Vinho. The last time he hit the Vinho he ended up having to be rescued by Harry after collapsing in the hedge with wet trousers.
Quote of the day was day was Chuff stating that he can’t understand how he always has 21p in his pocket on a Sunday morning.
Tip of the week: Beware of flying trotters they could give you a black eye or two
MONDAY 20TH NOVEMBER 2006
Well then readers, been on my hols, so what’s been happening on the rugby front recently?. A lot of injuries including one to portly hooker French man Matthew BOOBIE. He’s got the infamous black ball syndrome, otherwise known as groin strain. As I’m sure you could appreciate there is an awful lot of strain in that region.
Whilst on the subject of Matthew, he announced to fellow tourists that he hates the nickname Trigger. From memory I believe it was Stinky McLoughlin who christened him this many years ago. Something to do with comparing him to the Castle pub, as in the lights are on but nobody’s in. Well Matthew stated the other week that he has always hated his nickname and much preferred his other one “ROCKETMAN”. When asked if this was due to his speed around the pitch or his love of Elton John he admitted that he got the name due to his love of a certain substance that is in short supply in Spring lane. So please everyone call Trigger from now on Rocketman, Elton or Reggie.
I’m not sure how he recently acquired the new nickname BOOBIE .I believe it was something to do with recent showing of celebrity house swap involving that racing pundit John McCormick or something like that. He would lie in his pit and hollow to his other half “Boobie bring me a drink”. Rumour also has it is that Rocketman is partial to Crispy duck or should I say soggy duck from Jason’s. Perhaps this is why he's looking a wee bit portly these days.
On to this week's sponsors Helen and Tim HACKER (part of the slow cooker committee). Tim is probably most famous for his fagot racing and indeed it was Rocketman himself, when he was off the soggy duck, that almost took the title from Tim. Unfortunately, Rocketman’s faggot went out in the final straight which allowed Tim to retain his crown and even goad Rocketman by practising some dressage on his way to the finishing line. Tim, a bit like Martin Johnson, retired from this whilst at the peak of his game and remained undefeated as King Fagot.
Helen on the other hand is more famous for self-mutilation. Drink plays a big part and she normally has a black eye or broken nose form walking into things.
Lots of stories to tell but only limited time so the sponsors can fill you in during the pre-game sups
Xxxxxxxxxx
Baffre Cud
SATURDAY 21ST OCTOBER 2006
A VIEW FROM THE EAST STAND (Locals only and no West Standers please)
Well the FTG'S have got off to a cracking start so far this season, despite the efforts of the Grove referee. I am not even going to waste my time commenting on his performance that day. After receiving several warnings, the East Stand went a bit quiet but certainly let rip last Saturday against Bletchley. Brings back all the old memories.
I did notice that scrum half OC seemed to have lost a bit of weight and grown his hair since his previous game at Witney. Must be something in the water!
Another notorious scum half ex England international PLUMS has changed sports. He has joined the Gay committee and takes himself and Chairman SILVER off swimming at the Newport Baths. Rumour has it that it's a naked mixed session. That sounds awfully familiar to an incident a few seasons ago at Olney. Enough said I think.
On the subject of the gay committee, Gay President LOL has allegedly put his name down for the 2007 SA tour. LOL, for those of you that didn't know was voted the worst ever tourist in the club history when he once came along. I'm sure from tour rules that for getting that award he will always remain a virgin on future tours.
CHERRY is not considered the most interesting lad to hold conversation with as his chat normally consists of Gloucester or about weird religious dancing. Well he has added another fascinating topic to his quiver. "SLUGS". Yes, his allotment of paradise has been invaded by slugs, demolishing his winter stock of potatoes. Apparently Slugs are hermaphrodites, a bit like EDGAR, and have taken a liking to CHERRYS little place of paradise.
Whilst on the topic of,"EDGAR, WAKEY WAKEY HERE COMES SNAKEY", one of his ex-colleagues revealed his nickname on
site as "THRUSH". Even you lot can work that one out. THE GHOST liked his serial numbers and codes and apparently baffled the builders by insisting they call everything by the barcodes. A "274A mark 2" is more commonly known to the building trade as a wall tie. EDGAR got all stroppy with the builders when they refused to conform to his language and so they christened him with the nickname THRUSH !
Who says romance is dead. After promising his wife a romantic meal for two on Friday night, BASHER got a bit carried away at the Castle on Pig Juice. After insisting on having 10 more for the road Di gave up on him and went up to the LLOYDS. Feeling somewhat guilty BASHER made up for it the next day by sending DI to the Chippy for his usual. He did at least pay.
ED THE SILVER FOX mentioned that I had forgotten one of his nicknames in the last programme. It is "SUFFOCATER OF THE VETS". He got this nickname when himself and the Vets were not seeing eye to eye on a number of issues. During one their Do's he locked the interior doors to the clubhouse causing them all to choke on cigar fumes and provado. Rumour had it that he even got up into the roof to block the air vents off as well.
Our last story is about an old favourite CHINK!! Whilst at work he slipped on some tissue that was stuck to the bottom of his work boot. Unfortunately he was Ten feet up on scaffolding. Fortunately he landed on his head.Well he looked a bit like the elephant man after his fall and decided to show off his new look down at the club. He was put in charge of entertaining the kids outside and FLUFFY BENNETT was suddenly put off his eating stride by his flustered mother in law. She was most concerned that a strange looking man was near her grand children and that he didn't look of sound mind. She insisted that Ian needed to go and see him off or call the old bill. 'B' rushed over to the play area, without slipping in HONKYS sick, and looked around for this strange little man interfering with his kids, but alas all he could see was CHINK. The penny dropped and he checked with his mother in law who confirmed that it was indeed THE CHINKSTER she had thought was cottaging.
Xxxxxxxxxxx CUPID STUNT
SATURDAY 9TH SEPTEMBER 2006
THE EASTSTAND RIDES AGAIN!!!
Welcome readers! It's been a few years since we were last here. I'm glad to say a reunion finally happened with all the writers and they have come out of retirement and combined for one final season. Your favourite writers CUPID STUNT, MARY HINGE, BAFFRE CUD are all back together for your entertainment and so its up to you guys and girls to send the stories in for this season, otherwise we will have to rely on the old stories involving CHINK and DR SHIT.
Having been down to watch the pre training, I see it's the same old faces but I did notice a promising new hooker, who kind of looks familiar. The best description I've heard used is: " A portly Frenchmen going by the name of Matthew BODDIE". Keep your eyes on this new player ladies and gents.
From one hooker to another, it's alleged that TRIGGER is fluent in the Italian language. Whilst on a recent holiday in a very local Italian restaurant he offered to sort the bill out as he had studied Italian at school and was fluent. There appeared to be break down in communication with the waiter who obviously only knew pigeon Italian. Anyways Triggers sole attempt in Italian was "ZE BILL". Surprisingly this worked and the holiday continued.
One of Triggers partners in crime on and off the pitch is the infamous HONKY. Whilst on holiday in Portugal he got into a conversation, by the pool, with a pig farmer from Dorset. The conversation soon moved from lambs to pigs and Frank explained to the Honkster how he trains his pigs to round up sheep. Honky managed to keep a straight face and agreed and nodded and promised he would look into training a pig .So if you see him talking a piglet for a walk instead of the trusted Barty you know why.
Honky was a bit star struck in the 19th hole later on that day as it was awash with celebrities and their wags and several hangers on. Unfortunately DOVE didn't spot any of them as he was engrossed in a conversation with the bar man attempting to get a substantial discount for the round of drinks he had aqquired. And who the f...k is Paul Robinson anyway
The annual dinner was a lively little number as always with guest speaker Jason "Large Leonard" doing the rounds (literally). The highlight of the night was watching Honky overdosing on port, playing swing and then chucking his stomach contents all over the bar and floor. Tim "The SPOON" Stanbridge helped by pouring a bucket of water over the pile of sick and before he had a chance to mop it up who should come along but a very pissed Ian "Fluffy" BENNETT.
The rest is history but for those of you who didn't hear or see what happened next you may remember a shockwave going through Olney and surrounding villages at about this time. This was due to Fluffy slipping in the water and doing a Nelly Kim acrobatic flip before landing face first on the floor, breaking his nose. A most interesting and hilarious sight for the onlookers.
Large Leonard then took the hardcore on at Super Sunday. Despite the raffle committee trying their best he wasn't falling for the old trick with the tickets and proceeded to drink the club house Dry with a little help from the Basher "The Pig Man" RAWLINGS, Pete "The Judge" KEMBLE, Charlie "Captain Morgan" WELLS and John " Dove" SWALLOW. Needless to say it got a bit messy but the hardcore just about kept up with Large.
Nicknames are a big thing down the club and one Mayfair hairdresser who has an abundance of them is Ed BOWDEN. I've been through the archives and below is list of all of his nicknames and if you ask him there is a story to each of his nicknames. I'm sure there' s few more and if you can remember them please send them in and I can update the archives; Ed Pants down Bowden, Silver Fox, Twig, Nickie Clarke, Dock It, Ravanelli, RAC, Forest of Dean, Hater of meat raffle committee , Hi Ho, Non-runner of baths!
Whilst checking through the archives I came across some old names and I wonder what they are up to and where are they now;
Rob Reid, Ian Longmire, Paul Golding, Ra Ra - if anyone has any news let me know and I'll keep it to myself!
Also The SNAKE PIT features fairly regularly in 1999. C'mon, who last had it and where is it? Please return it to the club BOB!!
Coming soon The 1999 East Stand crossword
Take care East Standers!!!
STEVE CRUMDOWN XxxxxxXxxxxxxxx
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