Joke of the Week

Judy got married, and had 13 children.

Her first husband Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children..

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried,..... and this time, she & John had 5 more children

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

From Phil Roach, Cleve RFC, Bristol -

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.

Rosco phones for an ambulance for an injured player. The operator asked where the player was.

He says at the Recreation Ground, Olney. She asked: How do you spell that?

The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator gets a bit worried.

Then Rosco says sorry about that, I've just dragged him to East Street

Paddy met George Stanton in the street and George said: 'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future ?.' 'Why?' Paddy asked. 'Because' said George 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'

'Silly buggers ! - the laughs on them, I wasn't home yesterday !'

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bloomin' bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket in
London, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
git wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other
half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from son?"
" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said,
"Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the

activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't

speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the

right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and

stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off

to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her

left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again

grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A

nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're

looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little

notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... .

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

A man walks into a petrol station and says, can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?' The lady behind the till gets him a Kit Kat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

One from ex pat - Jonathan Byers, Texas - ( Wibbley Wobbley )

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You many visit this store only once!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next

floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

"Floor One: These men have jobs."

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

"Floor Two: These men have jobs and love kids."

"That's nice, " she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

"Floor Three: These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor Four: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good-looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor Five: These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework and have,

a strong romantic streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

"Floor Six: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor

exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank-you for shopping at the

Husband Store.

Please note:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.

---

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the
counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 5-kg.
test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week
for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the

floor.'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman
could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've e never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?''My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man told him, 'Get in line'.

Couple driving home run a skunk over.

Wife gets out and finds the skunk still alive.

She says to her husband," he is still breathing, but freezing cold"

He says "get in the car and put it between your legs to warm it up"

She says "but its� all wet and it stinks"

He says "well hold his nose then"

One of our players goes to the Co-Op and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.
He�s rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. .

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says "My God, are you the stripper at J9 that I made love to on the pool table with all the 1^st XV watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher".

WOMAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 20^th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.

He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep..

MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 20^th October 2007

England lost to South Africa . Gutted. Got a shag though .

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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said £25.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel,

and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided

she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up

in her living room and waited for it to say something..

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school

the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended

but then began to laugh about the situation

considering how and where the parrot had been raised.