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Couple driving home run a skunk over.
Wife gets out and finds the skunk still alive.
She says to her husband," he is still breathing, but freezing cold"
He says "get in the car and put it between your legs to warm it up"
She says "but its’ all wet and it stinks"
He says "well hold his nose then"
One of our players goes to the Co-Op and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. .
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says "My God, are you the stripper at J9 that I made love to on the pool table with all the 1st XV watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher".
WOMAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep..
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
England lost to South Africa . Gutted. Got a shag though .
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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately |
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spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. |
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There was a sign on the cage that said £25.00. |
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"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. |
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The owner looked at her and said, |
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"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, |
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and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." |
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The woman thought about this, but decided |
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she had to have the bird any way. |
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She took it home and hung the bird's cage up |
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in her living room and waited for it to say something.. |
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The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, |
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"New house, new madam." |
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The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, |
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but then thought "that's really not so bad." |
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When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school |
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the bird saw and said, |
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"New house, new madam, new girls." |
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The girls and the woman were a bit offended |
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but then began to laugh about the situation |
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considering how and where the parrot had been raised. |
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Moments later, the woman's husband Keith |
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came home from work. |
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The bird looked at him and said, |
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"Hi, Keith!" |
PADDY THE ENTREPRENEUR
Paddy and Glyn are walking down a street in London .
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that
catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits at £5.00 each, Shirts at £2.00 each, Trousers at £2.50 per
pair."
Paddy says to his pal, "Glyn, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Olney , we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking."
They go in and Paddy says,
"I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs
of trousers at £2.50 each.
I'll back up my truck and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well . yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d'y'know dat?
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that
Doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up !
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, right between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
A contribution from Phil Roach, Cleve RFC, Bristol
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were ! spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks,
his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his trousers, his bride once again
asked:
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and
deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?"! she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected
my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
"Smallcox?"
Motor Sport News - From Mark Lay
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
Practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the
shower.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon.
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer called Foggy happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Missus, Foggy said, "I've come to.......'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said Foggy , "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, my Dear, , none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"My Dear , in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
Foggy opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", Foggy replied, "And for more than three hours, too.The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, my dear, . I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
So Foggy shagged her.
Thanks to Mark Lay for these -
These are genuine quotes from tenants to British Councils complaining about problems with their flats.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
& not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
And another from Mr Mark Lay !
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven,
somehow you must let me know if there's a rugby club there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"
Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?, asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's a rugby club in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, the bars never shut and its free ! And it never rains or snows. we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired or injured" and best of all Bashers not here yet.
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're playing Tuesday."
My Thanks to WIBBLEY for the following !
Ol' Ralph
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that
he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first
he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've
got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and
Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and
the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure
enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to
find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue
hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are
circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."
THE FIVE ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for? A: It's Braille for "suck here". Q: What is an Australian Kiss? A: It's the same as a French Kiss, but "down under". Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
A contribution from Ol'Boys ! ( A true story )
We were taking a wall down one day at work in an old house and blocked up behind this wall we found a skeleton, around its neck was some rope and a board hanging from it. when we dusted the board it read "irish national hide and seek champion"
A contribution from Simon Lapham (Nobby) Tadley RFC -
A man and his wife in bed....the man fatrs and shouts " One nil ! "
The wife squeezes one out and shouts " One all ! "
When it gets to 2-2, the man farts , follows through and craps the bed.
" What the hell was that ? " the wife shouts.
"Half time...swap sides " replies the man.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio
Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" .
 For many years Ed's secret Sunday afternoon naps went undetected
Court Room Quotes…..
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This condition you have... does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?!
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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